Shopping
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that no group of 2 or more Men shall shop together for the sole purpose of Amusement or to “Pass the Time.”
Below is the list of acceptable Man shopping items:
Mandated Exceptions
- Firearms
- Powertools
- Alcohol
- U-Pull-It Car Parts
- Computer Parts
- Records
- Cars in Classified Ad requiring an expert opinion
Most Holy of Holies… Beer
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that, in the realm of beverages, none shall supersede Beer. In light of this reverential power, we would like to present for discussion: Beer Laws:
Beer Laws
- A beer, once opened and started, must be completed.
- A pitcher, once purchased, awarded, or gifted, must be finished.
- It is a shared responsibility of all parties at the table to finish said pitcher, only excepting the designated driver.
- Should a Man spill another Man’s beer, said beer shall be replaced at full value.
- If a Man has brought beer to a party, said beer is considered a holy offering to St Arnold, Patron Saint of Brewers, and becomes property of the Host. Upon leaving said party, no more than one beer may be recovered from the original offering as “One for the Road.”
Mandated Exceptions
- Skunked, flat, or otherwise sub-par beer may be disposed of humanely. It is important to discuss the various possible scenarios and strategies of appropriate beer storage, preparation, and consumption to keep these incidents to a minimum.
- “One for the Road” beer can not be a better quality beer than what you brought to the party
- In the case of “Frat Parties” where the party is being hosted by a rival Fraternal Organisation, OFTR ruling is reversed: A Man should endeavor to remove as much of the best beer as possible to share among his Brothers.
Article for Debate: Car Repair
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that a Man should be able to recognize and diagnose most common car problems (or motorcycle as the case may be). Should he be at a loss for solving an automobile dilemma, he should call a summit at his home of reliable Men who will proceed to stand around the car, with crossed arms, peering under the hood, while nodding and frowning simultaneously while each in turn explains the issue and strategies of repair. They will then consume beer and discourse at length about the nature of the problem, pros and cons of various makes and models of cars, and eventually the conversation will devolve into sports. Should the car require a professional opinion, every attempt will be made to get the car to a state where it can limp to the garage on its own. In no case shall a tow truck be called.
Mandated Exceptions
- It is impermissible to admit defeat.
- No exception will be made for weather conditions.
Article for Debate: Umbrellas
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that two Men do not share an umbrella under any circumstances. Furthermore, the use of an umbrella for anything less than a state occasion for any weather less than torrential downpour is frowned upon.
Article for Debate: Sloppy Seconds
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that, any Man who wishes to date another man’s ex must observe a 14 day grace period and notify said man of his intention to pursue. As always, a man should proceed with caution. Exes come with no guarantees stated, written, or implied.
Mandated Exceptions
- A man does not ask for permission to date an ex, he merely expresses intention.
Article for Debate: Duct Tape
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that a Man should be able to fix absolutely anything with a trusty roll of duct tape.
Mandated exceptions:
- There are currently no exceptions to this rule.
Article for Debate: Basic Emergency Medical Response
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that a man should have basic knowledge of Emergency Medical Response, or at least be able to fake it well until help arrives. This includes: Basic First Aid, CPR, applying a basic tourniquet, and the Heimlich Maneuver. A Man with these important skills can easily shrug off lesser wounds himself, and give his cohort a blithe “Relax, you’re going to live, man” when he’s crying like a little girl over a minor boo boo.
Mandated Exceptions
Not everyone is cut out for First Aid. Know your limits!
- If you faint at the sight of blood, stay far, far away from accidents. Nothing says wussie like fainting.
- If you vomit at the site of vomit, FOR GOD’S SAKE MAN UP! And stay away from people that are vomiting.
Article for Debate: I Only Know Three Chords!
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that a Man should be able to pick up a guitar and play at least one song. Considering that most modern rock music relies on at most 3 chords, and thanks to the magic of barre chords, this task need not be particularly burdensome. Air Guitar, Guitar Hero, and Rock Band are in absolutely no way an acceptable substitute for an actual skill.
Mandated Exceptions
A Man can make up for a lack in guitar ability through acquisition of a basic level of knowledge in one of the following entertainment fields:
- Beatboxing
- Drumming
- Bass Guitar Riffing
- Breakdancing
- Singing, Rapping, Spoken Word, or Impersonation
Every effort should be made to attain at minimum a Comedic Understanding of one of these skills, for the purpose of entertainment, peer humiliation, and gaining the attention of The Ladies.
Article for Debate: Pants and You
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that a Man should be able to purchase himself a pair of pants without having to try them on, without a second opinion, and without asking if they make his butt look big. The purchase of a pair of serviceable trousers should not not require extensive browsing, nor should it take more than 2 stores to find the necessary item and leave.
Mandated exceptions:
- A Man in a relationship may choose to use the dressing room for the luxury of striding around the fitting room in his drawers while his Wife/Girlfriend runs around finding him the perfect size(Not because his S.O. dresses him.)
- If the dressing room is used, ample usage of the mirrors should be made while in the process of trying on for posing like a Rockstar, making obscene gestures, and general monkey business.
Article for Debate: Dude Hugs
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that under no circumstance shall two adult Men who are not parent parent and child or sibling in relation to each other shall engage in a full contact Hug, Bear, Hug, Handholding, Cuddle, Clinch, or Similar. If such an interaction becomes unavoidable or should a Man stumble into such an interaction inadvertently, the joint purchase and consumption of an alcoholic beverage should suffice in “clearing the air.”
Acceptable Alternate Displays of Affection:
in order from least embarassing to most embarrassing
- Buy Him a Beer
- A Good Sock in the Arm
- The Standard Handshake
- The Roman Handshake - Favored by Eurotrash
- The Deluxe Handshake plus Elbow cup - Favored by Politicians
- The Superdeluxe Handshake plus Double Back-Pound - For extreme cases only, may require a beer chaser
- The Sidehug
