Ratified Article: The Terminator
We, the Men, do hereby declare that all Men shall accept as his sacred duty, the extermination and removal of any and all bugs and pests from the Home, and removal of any and all dead animals from the Home, regardless of origin or circumstance.
Mandated Exceptions
- A team effort may be required for efficacious removal of bodily pests such as Lice, Scabies, Chiggers, Leeches, and Screw-worms
Ratified Article: IKEA Handiness Factor
We, the Men, do hereby declare that all Men shall possess adequate skills and resources to construct any IKEA furniture kit using only the tools and parts listed in the instruction booklet.
Ratified Article: Micturation in the Standing Position
We, the Men, do hereby declare that All Men shall micturate in the standing position, barring severe localized injury of significant magnitude as to require a hospital stay.
Article for Debate: Urinal Sanctity
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that, in any bathroom containing not less than three urinals, a Man shall make every effort to maintain a one-urinal distance from any other Man. It is the American Custom to halt conversation during the period of time spent in the bathroom in front of the Urinal. Conversation may resume upon reaching the hand washing stage.
Mandated Exceptions
- Clogging or other functionality issue with Urinal in correct proximal distance.
- Urgency in extremis can create an exception so long as Sanctity of the Eyes is maintained.
- For training purposes, a Urinal may be used communally, although care must be taken not to disrupt fellow urinal patrons while training is underway.
- Those born outside the US are partially exempted from this rule, in that they will gain no penalty, but the US born conversational partner should wait until the appropriate stage to reply. In no circumstances should eye contact be made!!!
Article for Debate: Plastic Surgery
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that no Man shall have plastic surgery for solely cosmetic reasons.
Mandated Exceptions
- Disfiguring Accident
- Birth Defect
- Necessary Repari
- Meatloaf in Fight Club
Article for Debate: Man’s Best Friend
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that no Man shall own, dog-sit, take for walkies, or otherwise bestow favor upon a member of the Canine species weighing less than 40 lbs,* nor any Canine possessing a “curly,” “puffy,” or “luxuriant” coat.**
Mandated Exceptions
- Exception shall be made for the Married, Enfianced or otherwise formally attached Man.
- Exception shall be made in the pursuit of forming an attachment with a suitable Lady through said Canine individual.
- Excepted Dog Breeds:
- Jack Russel Terrier (small yet feisty)
- Portuguese Water Dogs (curly and puffy, but very Man appropriate water-based hunting dog)
*ie: capable of fitting into a Lady’s handbag
**ie: requiring a number of beauty parlor visits to maintain the coat equal to or greater than the number of visits a Man requires to the Barber Shop***
***a quantity of time known to be not less than six weeks barring military service.
Article for Debate: Grocery Shopping
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that in the case of two or more Men shopping for groceries as a team or independently, a cart or basket shall not be used communally unless a distance of no less than 5 feet is maintained at all times between the designated cart driver and the “away team.” Every effort must be made to “Lay Up” or “Slam Dunk” items into the cart, and speed and efficiency must be maintained throughout the mission.
Mandated Exceptions
- Close family are exempted from this rule, particularly if sharing a residence.
Article for Debate: Scarves
Items in Red are in contention, and require discussion and approval.
We, the Men, do hereby declare that no Man shall wear or “Accessorize with” a scarf for the purpose of Fashion. Sole exception being inclement weather below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, said scarf being somber in color and utilitarian in design.
Mandated Exceptions
- Handmade scarves of unsubtle hue or design may be worn in public solely in the case of being in company with the Constructor of said scarf* but only for the duration of time spent out-of-doors.
- Festal scarves are the exception to the exception in this case, and must be worn when seen in company with the Constructor, both indoors and out, for the duration of referring Holiday.**
- Attending the Opera, Symphony, a Public Wedding or other civic event requiring full evening dress may necessitate the wearing of a scarf, in which case said scarf should be white, fringeless, and cashmere.***
- Windchill or excessive snowfall may be taken into consideration should a flag be raised.
- Exception will be made for Dr. Who impersonations for the sole purpose of Comedy.
*authority of the Constructor being conferred in this order, minimal to maximum: Other (ie: Maiden Aunt, Sister), Girlfriend, Wife, Mother, Grandmother
**see previous note on chain of authority for redress.
***see The James Bond clause
